Tough

I woke up this morning feeling sad and overwhelmed. I haven't been sleeping well and I am an emotional trainwreck. I wasn't going to go to work today. I was going to stay home and process. I think I am still in a fog, like I haven't accepted that this is happening and this is my new life for the next few weeks, months...however long it takes. How does something I asked for, something I feel deep down I need and want, hurt me so bad? I love my husband very much. He is a wonderful man. And so this is hard. It is hard to be here without him. But I feel that we are both on a journey to discover ourselves. You have to know who you are and love yourself before you can expect to make a relationship work. And I don't feel that we have ever had that. We have never had an "Us". And it is time.

I am exhausted. I slept about 2 hours last night. I went to work. It was good for me to focus myself on other things. My hubby invited me to dinner. I really didn't feel like going. I was tired and prayed for sleep. But I did go. It was wonderful!! We talked like we never have. We admitted some things that neither were proud of, but that we knew we had to address. I feel more hopeful. Hope that reguardless of the outcome of this seperation, we will make the progress that we need in order to be content within ourselves.

After dinner we went to a friends house for a chili cook off!! There was quite the crowd there! It is always nice to be with friends. I don't think I would have been able to hang out with my friends, had I not gone to dinner with my husband and had such a wonderful and productive conversations.

I have amazing friends. I should say WE have amazing friends. My best friend has been such a source of strength through this whole thing. I think she saw this coming long before I did. And she loves us BOTH and supports up BOTH! Which is amazing. I love that m y friends love me and my husband as a couple. But they also love us seperately. I was worried how everyone would react when I told them I asked to seperate. But they have embraced us both and are rooting us along.

I am sad because my daughter went with my hubby tonight. I miss her. I want her here with me so I can sneak in her room and steal kisses from her cheeks. But this is all a part of growing as a mom, wife, and just a person. I have to let go sometimes. And as much as I miss her, she needs her daddy too!!