Reflections

I have decided that I want to do a  “series” for myself on reflections of the last couple years of my life. I vowed to close that door and not go back, but I feel like God wants me to reflect. I think He wants me to see where I was, where I have come, and where I am going. So these reflections are for me. This first one is reflecting on how much things have changed in two years…

When I look back over the last few years I stand amazed. Who I am now. Where I am now. If you would have known me 2 years ago you would not have believed it was possible!

Two years ago abuse and pain from my past  had settled into my soul threatening to break me. Two years ago my marriage was crumbling. Two years ago I was broken. I was so broken that I felt there was no fix. Depression had settled into every part of my being and the only thing I could think was that I wanted this to be over and I didn’t know how. So I begged God. Nightly. I begged him to please to please take me from this world as I slept. But He didn’t. You see His plans for me were far greater  that I could even fathom from the depth of the darkness that had settled into me. And today I am so grateful for that. I am grateful for his love and His mercy. I am grateful that He knew that though this valley was low and my world was dark, He had a promise to lift me from that valley and place me on the mountain top and shine his light on my life. And I am so thankful. I am so thankful for the love that He breathes into my life. I am thankful that my marriage has been healed. I am thankful that I wake every day to the love of my children. Sometimes I want to pinch myself to make sure that this is real. God I thank you for it all. I know that I am nothing without You. I see You in all things. And I am so thankful that You are ever present. Thank You God for hearing the cries of my ugly heart and reaching into it and making it new and beautiful in You! Thank you God for knowing the plans You had for me. Thank You for knowing far more than I could comprehend.

While this is just a small testimony of God’s grace and mercy in me….I look forward to finding the words to share my reflections in a way that gives Him all the glory!

Monday night

My husband has been here each aftenoon. Tonight he was here because baby girl was staying with him tonight. She had religious education tonight. So he was waiting to pick her up. It is so hard for me not to rush to him and just hold on for dear life. My world is turned upside down...

Positive for tonight..my hubby said he has realized in the couple days apart that he doesn't "need" me but rather wants me...that is huge because he is always saying he needs me. Which I want him to need me too. But he doesn't know anything outside of me. I feel like he doesn't really know who he is. It is a lot of pressure to be so needed all the time. The kids always need me, hubby needs me. When do I get to need someone.

Missing my baby girl tonight. She is with her dad, but I miss her.

I don't know

I thought I wanted to blog and record my thoughts and feelings of the past few days. But when I revisit my heart breaks all over again.
My daughter is most affected by this. She doesn't want to be home. She wants her dad and she wants me. When she is here she wants to be there and when she is there she wants to be here. It is very hard to see her hurt, when I know I asked her dad to go. There is just so much...sooo much. I have been emailing back and forth with my husband...he is more open to communicate that way so I am going to post those here for me to look back on.

Tough

I woke up this morning feeling sad and overwhelmed. I haven't been sleeping well and I am an emotional trainwreck. I wasn't going to go to work today. I was going to stay home and process. I think I am still in a fog, like I haven't accepted that this is happening and this is my new life for the next few weeks, months...however long it takes. How does something I asked for, something I feel deep down I need and want, hurt me so bad? I love my husband very much. He is a wonderful man. And so this is hard. It is hard to be here without him. But I feel that we are both on a journey to discover ourselves. You have to know who you are and love yourself before you can expect to make a relationship work. And I don't feel that we have ever had that. We have never had an "Us". And it is time.

I am exhausted. I slept about 2 hours last night. I went to work. It was good for me to focus myself on other things. My hubby invited me to dinner. I really didn't feel like going. I was tired and prayed for sleep. But I did go. It was wonderful!! We talked like we never have. We admitted some things that neither were proud of, but that we knew we had to address. I feel more hopeful. Hope that reguardless of the outcome of this seperation, we will make the progress that we need in order to be content within ourselves.

After dinner we went to a friends house for a chili cook off!! There was quite the crowd there! It is always nice to be with friends. I don't think I would have been able to hang out with my friends, had I not gone to dinner with my husband and had such a wonderful and productive conversations.

I have amazing friends. I should say WE have amazing friends. My best friend has been such a source of strength through this whole thing. I think she saw this coming long before I did. And she loves us BOTH and supports up BOTH! Which is amazing. I love that m y friends love me and my husband as a couple. But they also love us seperately. I was worried how everyone would react when I told them I asked to seperate. But they have embraced us both and are rooting us along.

I am sad because my daughter went with my hubby tonight. I miss her. I want her here with me so I can sneak in her room and steal kisses from her cheeks. But this is all a part of growing as a mom, wife, and just a person. I have to let go sometimes. And as much as I miss her, she needs her daddy too!!

Today

Today marked the journey to start a new life. Don't be mistaken. In my new life I want the same people but maybe a different script. You see yesterday I asked my husband to leave. And today he did...

A bit of background. My husband and I were married on March 18,2004. With this marriage came 5 children from two previous relationships. We began a journey to love one another and watch our blended family grow. It hasn't been as easy as I had initially thought it would be...


Our marriage has been up and down for quite some time and it seems as if we are going in an unending circle of ups and downs, recently more downs than ups. A lot has contributed to this. I accept my blame. I am difficult, I am strong willed, I like to be in control. All of these contributed to where I am now. My husband he is quiet, he doesn't communicate, and he doesn't take the lead of our house. These things got us where we are now.



So I am starting this as my own journal, to put down thoughts and clear my head. I am hoping I can reflect back here and see how much I have grown as a person through this tough time.
This too shall pass...